#93: The One-Thing Rule for Moms Who Have No Time
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mental load
#92: Default Parent Mental Load: How to Stop Being the Only Responsible Adult
Default Parent Mental Load: How to Stop Being the Only Responsible Adult
If you’ve ever thought, “I’m the only responsible adult in this house,” and then immediately felt guilty for thinking it… you’re not alone.
In fact, this is one of the most common things I hear from overwhelmed moms — especially the default parent.
And here’s the good news: this isn’t a “try harder” situation. Instead, it’s usually a home systems problem. More specifically, it’s a responsibility distribution problem.
So in this post, I’m going to break down why this keeps happening, and then I’ll give you one simple move you can make this week to start sharing the load.
Why the Default Parent Mental Load Feels So Heavy
First, let’s name what’s really going on.
This isn’t a motivation issue. It’s not that you need a prettier planner. And it’s not that you need better time management.
Rather, the problem is that one person is carrying too many roles at the same time.
Because when you’re the one remembering, noticing, planning, reminding, and following up, you’re not just “doing chores.”
You’re doing management. And management is exhausting.
The Real Problem Isn’t the Chores
A lot of moms assume the problem is the tasks.
However, the tasks are usually not the main issue.
Instead, what’s exhausting is the invisible work behind the tasks. So let’s talk about that.
The Invisible Job List (aka the Mental Load)
Most moms aren’t only doing the physical labor. They’re also running the invisible list behind everything.
For example, someone might take out the trash.
But who noticed it was full?
Who remembered trash day?
Who tied the bag, replaced the liner, and checked the other bins?
That invisible tracking is the mental load.
And when you carry the invisible list, you become the default parent — even if other people “help.”
Podcast #17: Let’s Talk Mental Health – Stop Spreading Yourself Too Thin
When I became a mom and went through all the first time mom-feels: joys, discoveries and all the challenges. It REALLY became apparent on my mental load after I had my second baby.
I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt that I was spread way thin.
I was still adjusting to knowing my daughter, a very different baby than my first, and all the tricks that were working before, didn’t work at all or as effectively with her. I felt, as millions of moms out there also felt: like crap. I had no idea what I was doing. Well, I knew the basics but this was a whole different personality. It’s as though I was starting back at square one; but STILL trying to be present and attentive to my son and at the same time be a loving and supportive wife: 24/7 , 365.
My mode was either OFF, which felt like a blink, or ALWAYS ON: there for everyone AND everything. Doing things on my own and trying to figure things out, is just who I am. It’s part of my ‘being’.
Now, this isn’t to say that my husband didn’t help or wasn’t present. Not at all. He’s a very involved parent and husband. When I was in massage therapy school every second weekend, he was perfectly fine taking care of our son. And our son…. knew no difference!
But, while Onnig was asleep, call it stubbornness on my part or just wanting to ensure he’s at his best for his employees and business partners, I would rarely wake him up overnight. I tended to all the wake ups from either one or both kids.
Now don’t get me wrong, we had many conversations about me needing to wake him up, even if it was to bring the baby to me, wait for the feed, and bring her back to her crib – he was so on board with that. But my thoughts were about taking care of him too.
In hindsight, I wanted and needed to do the work: feel all the feels, gain the experience and knowledge about myself. As much as my babies were growing, I was too.
But my mental health was also taking a toll. I didn’t know or didn’t pay much attention then, but I do remember one night, annoyed after a quick feed, standing by the corner of the bed, awake but exhausted. What felt like months and months and months of trying to keep it all together, while feeling like I was being pulled in all directions, I felt resentment brewing.