When I became a mom and went through all the first time mom-feels: joys, discoveries and all the challenges. It REALLY became apparent on my mental load after I had my second baby.
I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt that I was spread way thin.
I was still adjusting to knowing my daughter, a very different baby than my first, and all the tricks that were working before, didn’t work at all or as effectively with her. I felt, as millions of moms out there also felt: like crap. I had no idea what I was doing. Well, I knew the basics but this was a whole different personality. It’s as though I was starting back at square one; but STILL trying to be present and attentive to my son and at the same time be a loving and supportive wife: 24/7 , 365.
My mode was either OFF, which felt like a blink, or ALWAYS ON: there for everyone AND everything. Doing things on my own and trying to figure things out, is just who I am. It’s part of my ‘being’.
Now, this isn’t to say that my husband didn’t help or wasn’t present. Not at all. He’s a very involved parent and husband. When I was in massage therapy school every second weekend, he was perfectly fine taking care of our son. And our son…. knew no difference!
But, while Onnig was asleep, call it stubbornness on my part or just wanting to ensure he’s at his best for his employees and business partners, I would rarely wake him up overnight. I tended to all the wake ups from either one or both kids.
Now don’t get me wrong, we had many conversations about me needing to wake him up, even if it was to bring the baby to me, wait for the feed, and bring her back to her crib – he was so on board with that. But my thoughts were about taking care of him too.
In hindsight, I wanted and needed to do the work: feel all the feels, gain the experience and knowledge about myself. As much as my babies were growing, I was too.
But my mental health was also taking a toll. I didn’t know or didn’t pay much attention then, but I do remember one night, annoyed after a quick feed, standing by the corner of the bed, awake but exhausted. What felt like months and months and months of trying to keep it all together, while feeling like I was being pulled in all directions, I felt resentment brewing.
