5 ways to get kids to listen - Part 1
EPISODE 19
by Dianne Jimenez
This article takes 13 minutes to read
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5 WAYS TO GET KIDS TO LISTEN – PART 1
Well hello there friend! I’m so glad to have you here and welcome back to the Parenting Guide: Organizing Habits Made Easy podcast and I’m your host, Dianne Jimenez. Today’s episode is part 1 of a 2-part series and it’s something that I’ve thought about sharing with you for a long time now, because I feel that it can help other parents look at different ways of getting kids to listen. My hope is that you get inspiration from this, support in knowing you’re not alone in this whole parenting thing, tweak these tips to make them your own so that you can apply it with your own family.
So in today’s episode I’m going to list you the 5 ways to get kids to listen. These are my typical go-to’s that I not only use with my own kids, but also with my nieces and nephews, and even, the kids at the school where I supervise.
Where it all started…
As a matter of fact, I’ve also shared some of these different ways with my mom friends one cold afternoon this past winter while our kids were scattered around the park. The restrictions were in full effect, particularly, here in Quebec and the only way we could do anything to keep from getting cabin fever from all the online learning, was to go outside
So naturally, our mom convo went from talking about our kids and their schooling to all the extra stuff that needed to get done now that everyone was homebound. Thus the struggle with having to pick up and maintain the house was a constant and oftentimes overwhelming; moreover, all the other stuff that needs our time and energy.
Eventually, this topic came up too:
How do you get (your) kids to listen?
Well, let me be clear: they DO listen…. Sometimes, just not consistently. Then one mom even said: “sometimes, it’s as though he CHOOSES NOT to listen!”
Now, I’m talking about the boring stuff: The stuff that needs to get done around the house: picking up after themselves, cleaning their room, helping their brother or sister out, bringing some toilet paper upstairs since they’re coming this way, or having to apologize to their sibling for whatever reason.
…. You know, regular life stuff !
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Ahhh ! The frustration when they just don’t want to listen! I see it all the time: With my own family, kids at the mall, the kids at the school…
Hence, it got me thinking after we left our makeshift support group-thing we had going on at the park. I decided to text them a list of what I usually say to get my kids to listen in hopes that it will help them with their challenges and roadblocks.
So my hope for you today, dear listener,
…is that while you’re listening to this episode, keep an open mind. Listen to understand where I’m coming from and then take what you need. Tweak what resonates and makes sense for you, so that it applies to your family. I hope this helps!
Also, it may take some time and a few repeats , (hey what’s parenting without repetition?) before you see some change but take note of the change and then keep going. Deal?
Ok.
‘It takes a village to raise children’
Undoubtedly, you’ve heard of the saying ‘It takes a village to raise children’ right?
But I’ll be honest, there are moments when you sometimes feel like you’re alone trying to do this parenting thing. Although, I’m not throwing any shade to the hubs or any partners, and supportive family out there who are IN there with you, not at all –
What I’m talking about are those particular instances that you experience at that very moment. Where you’re feeling all the feels – from them, from within you …. As a result, you just want to step away….
But you can’t because being there for them is why we’re in this whole parenting thing. Moreover, stepping back to breathe is really difficult. Whether you’re a parent or not, the fact that you’re dealing with kids, is significantly challenging because we’re constantly wearing different hats throughout the day. Oftentimes on repeat! Furthermore, it’s mentally exhausting and this alone can bring us with a last resort: yelling or raising our voices at them. It may not be our best or most shiniest moments, be that as it may, it happens.
As my go-to parenting advisor, Dr. Siggie says: “slow down”. Especially when we’re filled with emotions and wanting to respond right away so as to get kids to listen.
…you’re feeling all the feels – from them, from within you […] You just want to step away…. But you can’t…
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(Dr. Siggie) She’s amazing at explaining why kids do whatever it is that they do. Follow her on Instagram @Dr.Siggie. Her instructions are easy, bite-size and actionable on how to respond and deal with tough, challenging situations. Dr. Siggie is a child behavior specialist of 30+ years and puts content out on Instagram daily. As a matter of fact, I tell my mom friends as well as ANY mom I chat with, to go and check her out.
Even though Dr. Siggie has NO CLUE who I am, I’d certainly LOVE to have her on my podcast one day (fingers crossed)! Just putting it out there into the universe! Undoubtedly, I am a HUGE fan and avid user of her techniques. I especially love her thought processes.
Ok!
What I say and how I say it…(to get kids to listen)
Be that as it may, today what I’m going to share with you are lines, or phrases I say to my own kids to get them to listen. Basically ANY kid that I enter into a conversation with and they’re obviously not grasping what needs to be done or presenting some sort of challenge or resistance.
Nevertheless, have a listen to these. As I have said earlier, take what you need and tweak it so that it works with your kids and situation. I certainly hope this helps guide you on your parenting and journey to getting organized!
Also, I know you know this already, but don’t use all of these at the same time. Consequently, that would be WAY too overwhelming for anyone. Start with 1 and go from there.
Are you ready? Let’s GO!
#1. To get kids to listen: Let’s look a the big picture
This often gets used when they are at a roadblock – like whenever they argue with their sibling. Or when they did something by accident, or forgot to do something and then struggle with the aftermath. Sometimes they get super frustrated with themselves and feel like they’re the worst person in the world; they’re not good enough or that they can never get things right.
As I’ve mentioned this before in another podcast, this often happens to our first kid unfortunately. Now, this year he’s been making great progress however, it’s still a long road ahead. Although, one way to help him is by saying: “let’s look at the big picture here”. Emphasize on the word let’s – so as to show them that you’re doing this alongside them, not leaving them alone to figure out these complicated feelings as well as being the support they need right now.
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Zooming out or looking at the big picture puts the conflict, the roadblock, the complicated problems through a different lens, like a telescope.
Therefore, to help them overcome their struggles with their own disappointment or dealing with self-worth, instead of pin-pointing who’s fault it is or where it all started – as I’ve done in the past… I sometimes zoom out of the hot zone in order to help them to look at the big picture, together. Consequently, this almost acts as a mental step back, especially if they can’t physically move away from the issue… For example, think of a long car ride, or when you’re stuck in a long line-up and the kids are just frustrated with each other. There’s nowhere to go or escape to, to breathe!
Therefore, zooming out, or looking at the big picture, puts the conflict, the roadblock, as well as the complicated problems through a different lens, for instance like a telescope.
It’s like my go-to online business and marketing mentor and inspiration, Amy Porterfield, does when she’s up against all the negative self-talk. She mentions in one of her podcast episodes that when she hits roadblocks or moments of frustrations and all the negative thoughts come tumbling in, she takes everything and centers herself by zooming out.
‘What’s the next best step?’
To demonstrate, picture the issue and where it is relative to the room where your kid’s in. Then zoom out to the city, then the state or province. Then zoom out even more to the continent, the hemisphere, then the solar system… you get the idea!
Consequently, you go to a point where you realize, that by doing this, the overwhelming feelings and emotions can seem very small when you look at it in the grand scheme of things.
Perspective is the name of the game…
Now, to clarify this exercise is not to squash your feelings down. No. In essence, it’s about perspective. Let them feel the ‘feels’ they need regardless. Then when it’s time, help them move past the overwhelming, negative thoughts, emotions and difficulties with this zooming out technique. Eventually, they’ll be able to go forward. At this point, you’d ask them ‘What’s the next best step?’
I say this to my son all the time when he gets very down on himself and frustrated when things don’t go his way and when things go wrong and he was part of it or it’s not what he had expected….
When he comes up to a roadblock, an impasse, he can either stay there and simmer in all the bad feelings or, step back and ask himself: “What’s the next best thing I can do right now?” It’s a work in progress for sure.
Moving on…!
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#2. To Get Kids To Listen: Future home owner story
Ahhh! This one I love and I use often when I’m explaining and teaching the kids about communication, chores, about taking care of their own stuff along with the items and spaces that we all use.
To get kids to listen, I take them into the future and paint that picture of what it COULD look like.
Whenever I use this method with my kids, or with the kids at the school where I supervise, I get real with them with a hint of drama (laughs). Ok… a lot of drama!
Do you think that the person you’ll be living with will do all of the things for you?
Now, if you ask my husband, when I paint a picture, I PAINT a picture (laughs). Be that as it may, I lay it on thick about how their future CAN look if they continue with their habits and behaviors today. Eventually, they WILL work and pay for things so that their house can be functional, beautiful and well… a home! Perhaps they will live with other people or have a partner. So in order for them to KNOW HOW to maintain that future home, or how to communicate with their partner or room mate, their training needs to start somewhere. Basically, it starts here, in their current home.
So for instance, when talking about learning a life skill, or about how they talk with others or even just picking up after themselves…
To get kids to listen, I’ll give them this angle:
- Do you think that the person you’ll be living with will do all of the things for you?
- Do you think they’ll appreciate the fact that you’re not taking care of the things you both got together? Or instead, it’s their things they brought into the home. Would they be happy with the way their things are being treated?
- Would YOU want to live with someone who spoke to you in the same tone, or maybe…
- They don’t say anything but expect things from you?
One day soon, they WILL work and pay for things so that their house can be functional, beautiful and well… a home!
Afterwards I let things sink in for a bit. Then in a more neutral tone, to bring them back to present day…
To get kids to listen, I’ll say something along these lines:
- So how can we get from where we are now to a better situation than where we are heading if we continue? (To emphasize, this is totally opposite of my dramatically painted future).
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- How would we respond to another person if we listened more to understand where they’re coming from?
- How can we make our home (or class room) clean and stay tidy because we’re not the only ones using this space too?
These are just a few examples of words I say to them. The important thing is the contrast between what their future could look like, undoubtedly in full exaggeration mode, to today: the decisions we, or they make, to get back on the road to a more structured path.
I’ll finish with telling them that, with ALL the things adults have to take care of: their home, work, family, in case of emergency stuff, saving up, bills to pay, staying healthy, relationships, and their future, etc.…
Why would you ONLY save learning how to clean and maintain your home, or how to communicate with someone, or know basic life skills for adulthood?
Oftentimes, I’ve gotten their attention from the big gestures as a result, they’re ready to listen.
#3. To Get Kids To Listen: I live here too
In the previous example I mentioned about their future and living with other people or a partner. In this situation, this is like the preliminaries – or the preparation to what their future COULD have. Basically, it’s living with other people.
So in order to get kids to listen here, I’m getting real with them in the ‘here-and-now‘. In essence, it’s about letting them know that they share a space with someone else and that it’s important that they’re mindful of this.
Now, sometimes I go into detail and use this as a teaching moment. Whereas, other times – these 4 words “I live here too” will get the message across …. Often, it’s all my brain can come up with at that moment!
Therefore, this method of getting kids to listen takes all our self-regulation power when we’re super frustrated. Moreover, the lack of sleep, tough days at work, stress, hormones, dealing with family, school work, and activities, etc.… It can get significantly chaotic up in our brains pretty quick!
We have to practice slowing down
– Dr. Siggie
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As Dr. Siggie emphasizes, we have to practice slowing down. Slow down our hyper-speed brain processing. Slow down in how we feel like responding or reacting, in order to get our real message across and get kids to listen:
“Please put XYZ back to where it’s supposed to be, we all live here too and we all use this space, or use this item, etc.”
Now turning the tables… if we want our kids to calm down or stop yelling and screaming so that we can help them,… then they have to learn to slow down from somewhere. Thus, what better place than from their best teacher? You!
Let’s do a recap:
#1 Let’s look at the big picture
This method is about zooming out and looking at our situation from an aerial point of view.
#2 Future home owner story
Contrast what their habits and behaviors are like today with the results if they continue down the road and if it’s not corrected or tweaked today.
#3 I live here too
Gets them to realize and grow awareness that they share the space with others. Which in turn, will benefit them in the future if it all starts at home.
So there you have it! The first 3 of 5 ways to get kids to listen. Make sure you tune in next week for part 2, OK?
Thank you and please share this episode with a friend!
As always, I encourage you to share the link of this episode with another parent or group of parents, who are looking for some ideas on how to get their kids to listen. Or maybe they’re struggling and need a different voice to hear from. Whatever the reason, if parents need help to get kids to listen, send them the link to this episode. It could certainly provide them with direction and support they, need in addition to, the knowledge that they’re not alone in this whole parenting thing. It DOES take a village after all!
Alright my friend, thank you so much for spending some time with me today. I’ll see you back here next week: same awesome time, same beautiful place! Bye for now!
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