Why’s It So Hard For My Kid To Do Chores?
EPISODE 34
by Dianne Jimenez
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Why’s It So Hard For My Kid To Do Chores?
There are many reasons why kids don’t want to do their chores. But there might be some that we wouldn’t even think about or consider. In this episode I invite you to look from within as I share some reasons why kids don’t always want to do chores, how to motivate and help them do their tasks.
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Welcome
Hey there. Welcome back to another episode of the Parenting Guide Organizing Habits Made Easy podcast. I’m so happy you’re here because I’m doing something completely different from what I usually bring to you. And that is, I’m going to be very candid and very off the cuff in this episode and probably in the next few episodes (too).
So you’re going to hear a lot of mistakes and repeated words as if we’re having a conversation together. I’m still testing things out on the way I deliver my podcasts. I don’t know if you’ve listened to my episode, the last episode I had with my husband, episode number 32. Basically it was a chat with him on home organizing and parenting, raising kids together and couple hood. So if you haven’t tuned into that, head to diannejimenez.com/32.
New podcast format: raw and less polished
That episode kind of inspired me in a way of how I’ll be presenting my podcast. It’s going to be more raw, less polished and edited. And the whole reason for this is I want this to be kind of like a conversation with you and I right now, right here. And I hope that you like this format because for one thing, for me, it’s a lot easier to do less editing (because I’m a one woman show). I do all the post-production stuff.
And two, it helps me to get the content out faster to you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been launching my episodes every two weeks and now sometimes even a little bit more (than that)..
And I’m not really comfortable with that. I really want to make this work. And as a business owner and a podcaster, I’d like to have content out to you almost on a weekly basis. So if I have to cut somewhere, why not cut the editing and make this podcast and videos a lot more raw and real. I don’t know, “in your face,” I guess, I don’t know. But I hope you like this format. Let me know if you do or if you don’t, that’s okay. I’m going to do the best that I can.
Anyhow, so are you ready? Let’s do this.
Where the topic of chores and kids came from
So the question I’d be answering today is: ‘why is it so hard to get my kid to do chores?’ Now, this podcast episode was inspired by a question that was asked at a local radio station here in Montreal.
It’s called the Beat 92.5. I decided to call in and answer it because one, I’m a mom. And two, because I’m a professional organizer and I believe wholeheartedly in chores, in kids helping out and doing chores at home. If you’ve listened to my podcast episodes before, I mention it on 9 Ways to Get Kids to Help Out With Chores. So if you want to pause this episode and take a listen to that one, just head to diannejimenez.com/31 Alright, so let’s ask the question, why is it so hard to get my kid to do chores?
Why’s it so hard for my kid to do chores: #1 Do they understand it (chores)?
(Well, first off, and I’m going to split this into three sections.)
First off, do they understand why this needs to get done? And the reason is this: a lot of times as adults, we get motivated because there’s the ‘why’ behind it. We’re more inclined to do things when we know the reason. If there’s no reason at all, where our hearts and minds are not really there to do it. We might do it once or twice. But the next time after that, if we’re asked to do it, it’s like, ‘well, I don’t really feel like doing it’.
So if we have that in mind, can you imagine what it is for the kids? What’s going on in their minds? Essentially, their brains are still developing. And I guess, I don’t know what the science behind why we don’t get motivated to do things unless there’s a concrete reason why.
find out how families with 3+ kids tackle the beast: laundry!
Now, for us as adults, obviously, the house needs to be maintained. We don’t want to be breathing all this dust. We don’t want to be walking on Legos and hurting our feet or inviting all types of rodents or bugs into the house (even though bugs do crawl in our house all the time). But just the thought of crumbs, a mess and food all over the place, it’s just not healthy and it’s not good, obviously.
‘do it because I said so’ isn’t good enough.
So if you had to explain it to your child in that way, it’s possible that they can wrap their head around it. I know growing up, when my parents would say, ‘just do it’ or ‘you have to’, I didn’t like that. And obviously when I was younger I didn’t know. I just listened and obeyed because I’m a kid and I was afraid of my parents. But thinking about it over the last few years, now raising kids, I found ‘just do it because I said so’ isn’t good enough.
By all means, it’s not something that I want to tell my children, you know? Now I don’t know my parents’ thought process on their parenting… They had their time (for parenting), and somehow they got me. This is what came out of it (me). So I guess it was a good thing too (their methods). But you know, as a parent, I get to choose the way that I want to raise my kids, myself and my husband obviously, because this is a partnership. Now, do my kids understand why they need to do chores? Yes, they do.
Aside from ‘it needs to get done’: for example the dishwasher needs to be emptied because we need dishes so that we can eat. Or what I always say too is that I can’t work when the sink is full.
If it’s important to you, make it clear to them and be specific
Now I don’t know, I’m not sure if I mentioned this in some previous podcasts, but those are one of my core values. The sink needs to be emptied every single day. And this is something my kids understand, whether it was just seeing the sink empty when they come home, or also me saying it a few times on repeat?
So when I’m introducing a chore or just reminding them, ‘ Hey, the dishwasher needs to be emptied because the sink needs to be emptied. And I can’t work and make supper or lunch if there’s no room in the sink. So the bottleneck is the dishwasher. This is why it needs to get done in the morning so the rest of the day can flow smoothly.’
And it might be: ‘… just that for the rest of the day to roll smoothly so that I can make the supper, so that we can have lunch and there’s less stuff to do afterwards. ‘
Do they understand? Can they wrap their head around the reason for your ‘why’? Because it can be simple too. For instance, when we have people come over, do you want them to see all that hair on the stairs as they walk in? Do they want to see stains in the toilet? Would you want to see stains in the toilet when you go to a friend’s house or when you go to a restaurant? It’s kind of nasty, isn’t it?
When we have people come over, do you want them to see all that hair on the stairs as they walk in?
My Secret Sauce for setting the kids up for success
So I talk about a ‘let’s get real’ kind of thing with my kids. It might not be as polished sounding as I probably sound on my podcast or on video, right? Because I want to get a clear message across to you. But with my kids, there’s no editing. I mean, I try to edit myself as much as possible in regards to trying to get the message across and not yell. But you know, sometimes it happens. And sometimes you do (yell) because they’re just not listening to you and it’s frustrating. But that’s a whole other topic for another day.
Back to wrapping their heads around the reason ‘why’. Just give them a reason other than ‘it has to be done’ and ‘because I said so’. So that’s that.
Why’s it so hard for my kid to do chores: #2 How complicated is it?
My second reasoning or thought process on this is maybe the chore is just too complex and there are a lot of steps involved. Perhaps telling them to do it is just too much for them to handle and they literally need to do things more systematically.
For instance, if you are a person who needs a step-by-step process or who needs to be introduced to something more gradually, in order to understand and then master it; Then there’s a high chance your kid’s probably the same as you. In other words, you learn the same way.
So if there’s something that’s complex, take laundry for instance. Because it’s never ending and always there (you’ll hear me repeat myself all the time: that laundry’s a beast!), there’s a lot of steps to doing the laundry, right? There’s the emptying the hampers, sorting it out, (if that’s what you do before you wash the laundry). Or maybe you wash one hamper at a time, meaning one kid gets their clothes washed one day and then it’s the next hamper for another person on another day. Then the next hamper … Whatever it is, you’re washing a load and then after that, it goes into the dryer.
…it’s overwhelming for a kid to understand all of this. Or even a young adult who’s never done this before
Well, you put the soap first in your washing machine, press all the buttons and then wait for an hour and then dry it (however you dry it, whether it’s hang drying, sticking it all in the dryer or half and half or whatever it is), then then emptying it all out after another hour, then sort it out and then fold it. Or folding it and then sorting.
Do you see what I mean? There’s a lot of steps. So imagine if you are asking your teen to do this, or your pre-teen to do the laundry, that’s a lot of steps. It’s a lot to think about and it’s overwhelming for a kid to understand all of this. Or even a young adult who’s never done this before, you know?
Break it down, keep it simple
Therefore, break it down into steps. And for the young kids, it’s sometimes easier too to just involve them and incorporate them in the easy things. Like sorting out socks or dropping the soap pod inside the washing machine, or helping you to empty the dryer. Little things like this is basically teaching them bits and pieces of laundry where eventually you’ll be able to add onto that once they get the hang of it: once they get used to it, once they understand the whole reasoning and concept about laundry, or whatever it is that you want to teach them.
For instance, this last summer, my husband and I were discussing our oldest kid starting to mow the lawn. He was talking about earning some money and wanting to start a little business for himself. And so we said, ‘you know what? That’s cool, no problem. But first let’s start at home, okay? And we’re going to teach you how to do it.’
3 things to establish now before losing your s#!t later on (during the school year)
Introducing a new chore
Well my husband did because I was doing something else in the house. It was nice to see them and seeing my husband teaching our oldest one, the step-by-step of mowing the lawn.
Now, he didn’t get to push the lawnmower the first day when he got introduced to it (lawn mowing). No. I think it was after several times because my husband and I, we’re big on teaching the kids step-by-step processes. If you’ve ever listened to our last episode together you’ll understand his approach. My husband is a mechanical engineer and he designs aerospace component parts(?). Long story short, he’s an engineer. He’s a systems kind of guy. He’s the right angle of our relationship. While I’m the colorful squiggly lines. So we compliment each other very, very well.
Take the time to teach. We’re going for long-term gain
Also, I understand his language. I’m a science girl, I get it. So systems are what works with kids. And so he introduced the lawn mowing chore to our son systematically: introduced the parts, pointing out what this is, where the gas tank is, how the lawnmower starts, what it looks like underneath, how to start it, how to turn it off, etc. So he did all the theory of that. And then I think a little bit after, he got him to push the lawnmower a bit, but not do the whole thing; just get his body to get used to pushing this heavy piece of equipment.
If you think about it, he was 11 at the time and he’s never pushed anything heavier than his body weight, I think. Perhaps doing a pushup or something. To illustrate, this lawn mowing plus the grass, the long grass, and something new to him, it can get pretty heavy. So that was kind of like phase one. And then by the time he got reintroduced to it, my husband made him do a couple of lines, like a couple of lawn mowing lines. And then eventually, gradually he got him covering the backyard. And then after that, the front yard.
So by the end of the summer, he was able to do our lawn every four or five days, whatever the criteria was that my husband requested or asked for. And he also got a job mowing the lawn at the front neighbor’s house. So how cool is that?
New skills = possibilities for new opportunities
It’s what my kid wanted. He wanted a job, he wanted: a side gig and he got it. We introduced it to him at the beginning of the summer or mid-summer actually. And by the end of the fall, right before we winterized everything, he had a job earning a little bit of cash from the front door neighbor. All while gaining experience at the same time.
So that’s what teaching and breaking down something that’s so complex is all about. Introducing it, getting the kids familiar with the different pieces of equipment or the different parts of the system, asking questions and letting them try it and do it. Then, little by little it’ll also get them to understand the ‘why’ from my point number one. Then it’ll get them motivated to keep going and be curious about the next steps, right?
Free training: "How to find time in a busy schedule"
And as we teach our kids, we also tell them:
“It’s important that you help out at home. This is really good what we’re doing because you’re helping us out. If we have help with this, then mom and dad can do other things. And then we finish this job and then we can spend more time together. We can play video games together. We can have another movie night, maybe a second movie!” It’s happened more than once that we’ve done that.
So I encourage you to break down the complex tasks and chores, especially if the kids are hesitant or they just don’t want to do it. Really dig in as to why it is that they just don’t want to do the chore or they’re not motivated to do it.
Why’s it so hard for my kid to do chores: #3 What are you doing?
And my final thing about why it’s hard for kids to do chores is: is there a schedule? And number two: are you on that schedule? Now, I had to think about this for a bit. Because for a long time, and this is because I’m surrounded by wonderful women (who are family and friends), everybody has their own schedule. They all have their own ways of running their home.
Doing chores through leading by example
For instance, my mother-in-law, she’s amazing. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but she is an organized woman. She’s so on the ball and it’s so wonderful and crazy at the same time, to watch her. Because her house is just pristine. Now, I don’t know how it was when she was raising kids. But I’m sure it wasn’t far from how it is right now. And I’m not saying that it was easy for her. I’m not saying that she had all the help, I don’t think so. I wasn’t there obviously. But she ran a tight ship and she got her three boys helping her out too.
So that is something that I totally admire about her. She said it a few times (to me) that she asked the boys, (her sons, one of them is my husband) when they were younger, that she can’t do it herself. They need to help out. And the results of that is what my husband does at home and how he helps out so much. And I can go on and on talking about how wonderful he is in and around the house. But I don’t want bore you guys too much, roll your eyes or something, I don’t know. But he’s, he’s a wonderful partner and he’s just really great. Like I said, we fit together like a puzzle piece.
What chore schedule works for others may not necessarily work for you…
Anyhow, back to doing the schedule: that’s if we have a schedule and whether or not we’re even following that schedule. Well, I can tell you I tried creating a schedule for myself years ago by (trying) to follow in my mother-in-law’s footsteps. And those are big shoes to fill because she had a certain way of doing things. She had her cleaning days and then her errand days, etc.
I guess it was at a time when I had the baby still and toddlers. So dealing with three small kids, being home, and trying to live in her shoes (or try to), I guess, imitate it. It’s hard, it’s mentally draining. And I think it was a lot for me to try to take on. I’d sometimes beat myself up mentally because I wasn’t doing (it) like she was.
I’d sometimes beat myself up mentally because I wasn’t doing (it) like she was.
But right now, in hindsight and stepping back from all of this, I think it’s to really just look at ourselves: see what makes sense for us and the lifestyle that we’re in right now. Considering our lives with our kids, all the schedules and all the work that we’re doing in and around the house and outside our home, our work work.
Stay on track with laundry & tips to getting the kids involved
So what does it mean: What makes sense to us? What makes sense for everyone? It could be bits and pieces like just doing 10 minute jobs here and there. It could be a whole day that is dedicated to cleaning and organizing the home. Whatever it is, it’s a schedule that you follow. And if that’s a schedule you follow, how could you be looking at your kids right now and expecting something different?
For instance, expecting them to be doing a chore every single day if you, yourself, dedicate a full day of chores. Or just bits and pieces (chores) here and there, in spurts. It doesn’t make sense. How would you require them, or ask them to do something every single day for half an hour or whatever it is, but something more consistent per se. Whereas you are completely not (consistent). Do you see what I’m saying?
It’s kind of like ‘as you do things they will follow‘. So if you’re asking for something to be done more consistently, are we looking at ourselves to see if we’re actually doing that too?
So that was a big eye-opener for me in the last few years. And actually, when I was thinking about launching this episode, I thought about it hard: what is it that I do at home? Am I being consistent? Do I have a schedule? Do I have a fully dedicated cleaning day? I don’t. So why am I expecting my kids to have a chore every single day? Because I don’t. I do what I can when I can and I ask for them to help out when it’s needed. And, it works, it works for us.
In conclusion: Why’s it so hard to get our kids to do chores?
Break it down into three steps:
- Do they understand what the whole point of this chore is or the chore itself?
- Do they understand why they have to do it? Is it too complex to? Or are there too many steps that’s why they don’t understand. Or they don’t know how to do these steps properly, (like how you’re doing it or how you want them to do it)?
- And, are you doing it yourself? Do you have a schedule? Are you expecting them to do something different from what you’re doing?
Thank you
So that’s it for today for this topic. It’s something to think about. I hope you like this format, this new format of podcasting that I’m doing.
I’m trying something completely different from just talking off the cuff without any kind of editing or minimal editing so that you understand. And I’m not babbling and rambling on too much because I tend to do that. As you can clearly see, this episode is very different from the last 30 episodes. So I’d love to know your comments and what you think of this episode.
Whether the format, the way that it’s coming out or even the topic. What are your tips, what are your tricks and what do you do? So I leave that up to you to think about and look from within. Answer that question ‘Why is it so hard for my kid to do chores?‘
So I leave you with that.
Did you find great value in today’s episode?
I hope you enjoyed today’s episode and I will see you back here, I’m hoping a lot sooner than the two weeks. So be patient with me and keep liking and sharing the episodes that move you, that get you thinking and that you think someone else might benefit from. Because what you share out into the world is truly helping someone else who needs to hear what I have to say and what I’m teaching right now. And it all starts from you.
All right? So thank you so much for being here and have a wonderful week and I’ll see you next time. Bye-bye.
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