Parenthood, Home Organization, and Couple Hood : A Chat With My Husband, Onnig
EPISODE 32
by Dianne Jimenez
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Parenthood, Home Organization and Couple Hood
A chat with my husband Onnig
This episode discusses strategies for successful parenting and couple hood, in the context of home organizing, teachable life skills, communication, and time management.
It references Marie Condo’s “Joy of Tidying” Netflix series, Jordan Peterson’s theories about argumentative relationships, and the idea of anchoring oneself in difficult times as a distraction.
Today’s episode emphasizes the importance of understanding roles in a relationship, proactivity in parenting, open and honest communication, and setting reasonable expectations for children. By incorporating these concepts and working to improve one’s communication and time management skills, marriage and parenthood can be made easier and more effective.
Enjoy!
***
Well, hello there!
Thank you so much for being here and listening to another episode of Parenting Guide Organizing Habits Made Easy podcast. And today’s episode is going to be a little different. Because I’m interviewing a very special guest. It’s my husband Onnig, and we’re just going to have a casual conversation based on a few questions that I’ll be asking him today. Now, we’ve never done this before. This is the first time he’s on my podcast. And let’s just say I think we were both kind of a little bit nervous. I know I was a little bit, but I didn’t want to tell him. I just didn’t want to jinx it. Let’s just say that. And you could probably tell with the way we’re speaking. But there are moments where you know, we get into full dose, Dianne and Onnig behind the scenes conversation.
So, without further ado, here is a conversation between husband and wife about parenthood, home organizing, and couple hood. All in one. Let’s get started and let’s get into it. Because there’s a lot we cover today. I hope you enjoy this episode. Are you ready? Let’s go.
Because again, if I always thought that every action that my spouse did was to undermine me, or was to belittle me, I’m in the wrong relationship.
– Onnig K.
Want to go from 'drowning' to peace of mind?
The journey of parenthood
Well, thank you so much for being here, Onnig. I’m happy that you took time off your busy schedule. Because you know, our Saturdays are just a little chaotic. So, we have a nice window of opportunity while the kids are at Armenian school. And right before I have to pick them up and you go to jujitsu.
Onnig: Thank you for having me.
Dianne: This is so awkward, because it’s the first time I’ve actually interviewed you officially, like we’ve recorded ourselves as not jokes, but just to see what we sound like. And this is actually the first one that’s going to be an official one. And how do you feel about that?
Onnig: I don’t know.
Dianne: You don’t know how you feel?
Onnig: No, I’m neutral.
Dianne: Okay, you’re trying to be neutral?
Onnig: No, I am neutral. I’m trying to be excited.
Question 1
Dianne: All right. Okay. Let’s just start the interview then. So, do you remember what the house looked like when the kids were toddlers? When they were babies?
Onnig: Pre-construction or post-construction?
Dianne: When they were toddlers, they were still babies, so that’s pre-construction.
Onnig: Yes, I do.
Dianne: Just so you know, we renovated our house back in 2015, 2016. So, I’m talking pre-construction. So, remember the state of the house, like all the things everywhere, how did that make you feel or what did you think? Looking back now when you see pictures or videos and seeing how it was then?
About the state of the house with babies and toddlers
Onnig: So, it’s very, it’s a loaded question. Just for some background for everybody. The house we live in is my grandparent’s home where my mother grew up. I have an awareness of the house before we moved in. And when we moved in, before having children, we made changes to the house, which were relatively drastic change to what the house was before.
So, that being said, the house before to me was already, like you could ask me that same question. What do you think of the house after we renovated the first time, when you look back to when you were here as a kid with, you know, with your grandparents?
Now going back because of Facebook memories and all these things, sometimes pictures pop up, and we’re like, oh, look at that. Remember this, remember that? Some of it is décor choices, because there are things that remained from when we originally bought the house, so we were fortunate enough to be able to upgrade and color scheme and change the house to more our tastes. So, there’s that aesthetic aspect to it.
the focus was, […] don’t screw the kids up.[…] it’s almost like the priority change.
And other things is the fact that you don’t realize how much stuff you have. The smaller the kids are the more stuff you have for them. You know, like their special chair for them is huge. The rocking chair is huge, the plastic, extra set of plastic plates and cups and this and that, just so they can eat. Even though you have a full set of cups and plates that they can use. So, there’s just an abundance of stuff. I think the other thing is, in hindsight, it didn’t really bother me per se because the focus wasn’t necessarily where stuff is, the focus was, you know, don’t screw the kids up. Are they safe? And this and that, you know, like it’s almost like the priority change. It gives a different perspective.
Dianne: And how does it make you feel, when you look back and you see that the vacuum is all over the place? There’s toys all over. There’s like the last video we watched, I just saw myself walking to the bathroom. And I was like, why didn’t we just close the closet door, it’s wide open, available to all the kids to just grab anything. […] we just have to just close the door. Why didn’t we just do that?
Onnig: Part of me is, I think I’m a practical person. And to quote one of my favorite guys, Jocko, I think we believe in, or I believe in, prioritize and execute. So, like, probably, at the moment, that wasn’t the priority. And it might be a split second, like what’s the big deal, but I was just talking to one of my employees today or this week, actually.
Some of it is just maybe I wasn’t clear in regard to explaining, you know what? It needs to be done but it’s not the priority.
And I asked him to do something and or ask them not to do something, actually. This needs to be done but I want you to do it later. And he decided to just do it at the moment, which I understand his perspective, oh, the boss asked me to do something, let me get it done. But he doesn’t realize that by doing it now, I had an empty spot later.
So, now I have, you didn’t do what you could have been doing now actively and the empty spot is still empty. So, some of it is just time management. Some of it is just maybe I wasn’t clear in regard to explaining, you know what? It needs to be done but it’s not the priority.
Dianne: Right.
Onnig: And I think the other thing is a reflection of our dynamic, I’m at work most of the day, and Dianne is in and out with school at work. And she’s home much more than I am. If I come home and something is not where it’s supposed to be. My initial reaction is there must be a reason why it’s not where we’ve decided it’s supposed to be or how we decided the baseline is. There are days where it’s like, hey, why isn’t this done? You know, I asked myself, but I’ve caveat it by saying to myself, there must be a reason. And sometimes the reason was we didn’t feel like doing it. I get that. And I think that’s okay, as long as that’s not the reason every day.
Dianne: Yeah.
why isn’t this done? […] but I’ve caveat it by saying to myself, there must be a reason. And sometimes the reason was we didn’t feel like doing it. I get that. And I think that’s okay…
-Onnig K.
Onnig: You know, I think you talked about that in podcast 30, actually, because yes, I’m, you know, one of the three people that listen. You know, it’s like it’s okay. And because of my background and work, there’s a difference between isolated incidences and systemic issues.
Dianne: I’ll just stop you there because my audience, I don’t think they know what you do or who you are.
Onnig: I’m Onnig, I’m the husband. I work in the aerospace industry. I work a lot with process planning and systems, and scheduling. And specifically, in regard to systems and quality systems for aerospace parts, there’s a concept of things will go wrong no matter what you do. But there are times where things go wrong, because something went wrong occasionally. And there’s a difference between that and something that goes wrong. And it always goes wrong the same way. One’s an isolated incident, and you’re like, okay, why did it happen? You troubleshoot it. And if you have enough isolated incidences, they’re no longer isolated. They’re systemic, it’s a system. So, you have to go back. It’s like, hey, I keep doing something, and I keep getting this result. And this result is not what I want.
And if you have enough isolated incidences, they’re no longer isolated.
So that parallel, when I come home, and one day, the kids are supposed to empty the dishwasher, they were supposed to empty them in the morning, and this washer is not emptied. And I’m like, hey, why wasn’t dish washer emptied? Oh, well, you know, so and so woke up late, and he didn’t have a chance, or she didn’t have a chance. No problem. But if so, and so wakes up late every day and doesn’t have a chance every day. Well, guess what? That doesn’t fly, you know, set your alarm earlier or whatever. But I digress.
Dianne: You also have a background in engineering.
Onnig: Yes, sorry, I forgot. Yes, I have a background in engineering that I studied.[
find out how families with 3+ kids tackle the beast: laundry!
Question 2
Dianne: Alright, so we’ll move on to question number two.
Onnig: Question two.
Dianne: So, before we got married, and before we had this life that we have now, did you ever think or have any idea of what married life and parenthood life would be like?
Onnig: So, just as a point of information, Dianne said that you have questions, and I haven’t seen the question. So, I’m hearing these for the first time. So, to answer your question, and you’ve asked me this before, like in the past, I don’t remember sitting and thinking about, I wonder how it’s gonna be when I’m married. And at the same time, I don’t think I’ve ever not thought of being married.
Dianne: Okay.
About being married and having children
Onnig: So, it’s almost, I don’t wanna say taken for granted. I mean, I grew up, my parents are still together. I have two siblings, two brothers. We did a lot of family stuff. It was just how things, I guess it was just my normal baseline. So, I always assumed that you know, one day, I’ll just get married and have kids. I don’t remember thinking, I wonder what’s going to be like when I have kids, or I’ve never thought of not wanting to have children.
But from an earlier age, like 17, 18. I was always in scouting from the age of seven. And I was a scout leader from, we’re working with kids from the ages of 7 to 17. And I started that when I was 18, to my mid-30s, when I was a football coach, and I was a math tutor. So, I always liked being around children or kids, I was a kid at the time also. So, they never, you know, there was never a thought of like, oh, I can’t deal with this or handle this or so. What was the actual question? Because I took another tangent.
Dianne: Before we got married, did you ever think of what our life would be like? What married life would be like and parenthood would be like?
Onnig: No, I never, so no. I never had a conscious thought of what it would be like. I just assumed it would be like the way it is.
Dianne: The way it is right now?
Onnig: Well, the way. I guess the way it is right now, again, depends on how granular you’re asking. I always assumed that I’d be married and have kids, but I never really thought about it.
Question 3
Dianne: Fair enough. All right, my next question. So, I talked about this on my podcast and in workshops that I’ve done. I give about an idea of how I started becoming a professional organizer. That aside from the different circumstances in my life that helped me hone in this profession. After watching just three episodes of The Marie Kondo Netflix series, remember that?
Onnig: Yeah.
Dianne: Back in 2019.
Onnig: I actually mentioned that to someone like last week at jujitsu.
Dianne: Oh, anyways, I always get references because I find it so funny because after the third episode, not even we were about to watch the third episode and you took off on me and I didn’t know where you went. And then I followed you upstairs, only to find you.
Onnig: Doing the shirts.
Dianne: What were you doing?
Onnig: I was doing the Marie Kondo method or the, sorry, I was doing the practical aspects of the Marie Kondo method. What do I mean? So, Marie Kondo talks about finding joy and stuff? Okay. I’m a joyful person, I guess. You know, but I’m a big fan of systems. I like when things are neat and orderly, and I like Tetris. So, when she was folding the shirts and they were all fitting perfect. I’m like, hey.
Dianne: That can be.
About testing out a new folding technique to see if it works
Onnig: I like that, let me try that. And I’m like, oh, and then the other thing was, the way she did it, you’re able to see all the shirts, as opposed to, we used to fold them in half, and then fold them in half again. So, into a quarter, and then you stack them. So, you don’t know.
I’m gonna say it, all my shirts are black, they all look the same. But before, you know, if you had a favorite t-shirt, or you had a whatever, you don’t know where it is, you’d have to go through the pile, instead of just scanning and saying, oh, here it is. So, it was very interesting to me. But then what happened was, after trying it on the first drawer, which was stuffed, all of a sudden was reduced to half. I’m like, hey, and long story short, I have a dresser with six drawers. And now one of them has other stuff in it because I was able to consolidate. So yes, I went up and tried it because it was interesting to me.
Dianne: That’s okay. No, it’s great. Because you explain that because I never, we never really talked about it. I talked about it a lot with other people and on workshops and stuff. But to me, it was just you’re testing out a theory, and you want to see if this works.
Onnig: It was interesting.
Dianne: And you’re, you know, on top of the whole, because you also like folding, like you know, you do the origami with your, I like to make the balloons and you make the creams.
…if it happens to give you benefit […] it’s like a no brainer.
-Onnig K.
Onnig: Yeah, I like the things that fold. No, but like anything. I mean, from a practical aspect. I’m interested in systems, and I’m interested in things that are interesting. And if it happens to give you benefit. And so, to me, it’s like a no brainer. Okay, well, why wouldn’t they do that then?
Dianne: Yeah, no, I think that’s where we were in common in a lot of ways. But I mean, in a lot of ways, but that especially too, if it works and it makes sense. And it’s practical, it makes your life easier.
Onnig: But I’m objective enough to say if I went up and did it, and I’m like, huh, now it’s taking the exact same amount of room, but it taking me more time, there is no added value.
Dianne: Right.
Onnig: Then I’ll say, listen, there’s no added value. And again, going back to my work, there’s a lot of redundancies and some of the redundancies have reasoning. Some of them though, has zero added value. And I’m fortunate to be in a situation where I develop the systems my company runs. So, I try to always look for those key points, where you need to meet requirements, but you want added value. Don’t fill out a form for the sake of filling out a form. You know what I mean? Don’t do something and the only reason you did it was to say you did it.
Dianne: Right.
Onnig: That’s zero added value.
About the house getting more organized with toddlers to older kids
Dianne: To that Marie Kondo thing, and you saw that our life started changing. I signed up to become a professional organizer, I took classes and everything. So, how did it make you feel? Or what did you think when you saw the house transitioning and becoming a little bit more organized from toddlers, to what it is now? I can’t say it’s completely 100% different, but there’s less stuff on the floor, things are a lot easier to clean, you know, and plus, the kids are older. So, what are your thoughts or your feelings in regard to the systems and the changes that have happened in the course of, say that year when everything started to be a little bit more structured?
Onnig: Well, okay.
Dianne: In our house and our children?
Onnig: Sure, well, okay, the first thing, we ended up recruiting more people to the team. And now what do I mean? My three-year-old could only do three-year-old stuff. But my eight-year-old, who was my three-year-old, five years ago, could do eight-year-old stuff.
Okay. So personally, there were two things which I kind of consciously, one consciously, one subconsciously adopted, which I think made the difference.
The first thing was understanding that I don’t need to keep everything.
What do I mean?
My Secret Sauce for setting the kids up for success
So, when I used to buy stuff, I would keep the packaging, because I’m like, hey, I might need this one day or I would keep stuff because of nostalgia. Like, oh, I’ve had this item since I was a kid and it’s sitting in a box. And I’m not, I haven’t touched it in 15 years, but I have it.
all we really need is each other… everything else is extra.
-Onnig K.
And every time I look at it, I’m like, oh, yeah, like for example, there’s a box under the stairs that says Jack College on it. Inside it I know, there’s a blue wooden yoyo, which I bought when I was like 17 or something, then I haven’t played with my yoyo, but I know it’s there. You know?
So it was that balance of like, okay, how much room is this actually taking and do you really need it? And I think there was a point where Dianne and I were talking and we were saying, all we really need is like, now we laughed at it but all we really need is each other… everything else is extra.
Now if you really buy into that you understand that you know what. Yeah, worse comes to worse, we can get it again. And I’m not saying waste things. That’s not what I’m saying. But I’m saying that worst case scenario, if we had something, and we decided to get rid of it. And we really were like, oh, man, we shouldn’t have gotten rid of that. Okay, well, we’ll go and get it again.
Dianne: Right.
Onnig: So, that’s the first thing. The second thing was the kids. We make the kids do stuff. Like, you know, sure I emptied the dishwasher when they haven’t done it or I change the laundry when, you know when, whatever.
Dianne: But you also fold too.
Onnig: Or I fold also, yes. I do my things. But it’s not 100% Dianne. It’s not 100% me.
Dianne: The kids or like, definitely not 100% the kids.
About dividing household tasks among family members
Onnig: So, it was the kids but there’s a balance. For example, which is kind of outside, I cut the grass. I cut the grass in the front, I cut the grass in the back. I like cutting the grass, I want my grass to look good.
This last year though, my oldest started cutting the grass. He asked me to try and then he wanted to try and he did it. And he did it a few times. And then it became a chore and then he didn’t want to do it. I’m like, well, you know what, too bad, you got to do it because that was the understanding.
And I tried to make them understand. Listen, don’t cut the grass once a week, it’ll be too long, it’ll be more work. Cut it every four days, every five days. It’s a manageable length, we mulch our grass. And that ended up turning into him cutting or the neighbor coming up and saying, hey, I see your kid cuts the grass, would you want to cut my grass? You know, he doesn’t have to bag it, make some extra cash. And he ended up making extra money. That’s again, tangent. But that being said, there are tasks that are primarily mine or primarily yours.
Dianne: Yeah.
Onnig: Which are now shared, you know. And again, it’s not set in stone, it doesn’t mean, well you know, it’s not my job to take the recycling out. Well, you know what? Good, take the recycling out, it happens.
And the burden is not weighed on two people, you know, it’s weighed on five people.
So, I think that’s more of the relief, not so much that the house is in more of a systematic order. It’s more of the fact that things get done. And the burden is not weighed on two people, you know, it’s weighed on five people.
Dianne: Right. Like I appreciate that a lot, that you’re hands on like since they were born, you know, since they came out of the womb pretty much because I couldn’t help them. I couldn’t even do anything for them. Because you know, after surgery, I had a C section, had three C sections, especially when we’re new parents. I didn’t know how much I was able to move. So, you took care of the kids.
Onnig: It’s weird you say that because again, you asked me about before, what did you think about having kids and marriage and this and that? The thought of not doing, like to me, I don’t think I’m doing anything extra. To me, it’s baseline. So, like, for example, just for the future people listen to this podcast and 10, 15 years. We’re just coming out of the COVID pandemic I guess, I don’t know, depending on your perspective, whatever. But since the beginning of the COVID thing, since I was going out to work, I’m like you know what? I’m already out, I’ll do the grocery shopping. And I have been doing it since and now I look forward to it.
I know every Monday on my way home, I go to Costco, I do the run. I’m like, hey, do we have this? Hey, I didn’t see that. You know, you didn’t need to buy another one of this because we have them on bottom shelf, they are here. I know where it is.
About being on the same page with one another
Dianne: But not only that, because what helps is the shared calendar and the shared grocery list.
Onnig: That’s right, that’s communication. Sure, so, we keep up to date. But my point is that if someone turned around and said, hey, oh, your husband does the groceries. Yeah, okay. Whatever. That’s what I do. My wife does things that I don’t do, for example, you know like, but to me, it’s not like, to me, it’s just baseline.
Dianne: Yeah. And I think also, when I was on leave with the first kid, I decided to take massage therapy classes. Right. So, at that time, Kai, I think he was 9 months old, 10 months old. And my classes were for a good part of a year. And I was gone every second weekend, like full day, nine to five. So, I had to leave at eight o’clock. Because it was all the way on the other side of the Island. And by the time I got home it was close to supper. So, you had him full weekend fully capable.
And it’s funny, because I remember at the time, people would be asking like, oh, you left your baby with your husband, I said yes, because he can pretty much do everything. Like we weren’t breastfeeding at the time. But it’s like, he can feed, he can do everything, our kid doesn’t know the difference.
Onnig: So, I’m going to say, I have a pet peeve about new parenting things, which always bothered me on how the husband is made to look like an idiot. Okay, and I get it. And no disrespect guys, we’re feeding into it by acting like idiots.
people would be asking like, ‘oh, you left your baby with your husband…’
But anyway, so it’s like, it’s always a portrayal of the male spouse is incompetent, like doesn’t even know where, how to screw on the baby bottle cap or whatever. I’m like, guys, it’s not that difficult. It isn’t. And part of it is the enabling life. Now, if you left for massage therapy class all weekend, and we’re like, well, you know, here’s this and here’s that and make sure this happens and only use this one and I made the meal, you have to eat this thing.
Dianne: Right.
Onnig: And whatever, whatever. And I’m like, okay, and I have to follow these instructions. Well, how am I going to figure it out? Now, that being said, there are times that you came back and I’m like the visualization of Homer, having his hands wrapped around Bart’s neck, and shaking, biting it, is something I relate to very well, because I’m like that’s what I want to do.
Dianne: But you don’t.
Onnig: But I don’t, but I’ll tell them, I want to do that to you now that they watch Simpsons. I’m like, you see that. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to do. And Dianne always says, oh, man, we really screwed up the first one.
Or people always are like, oh, you know, when you have the second one or the third one? Oh, it’s so much easier. And it’s funny because I don’t think so. I don’t think it’s easier. I think you’re just a better parent, you have experience. You know, it’s perspective saying the second or third child was easier to raise. And some people I’m sure are gonna turn around and say no, my second kid’s a nightmare.
3 things to establish now before losing your s#!t later on (during the school year)
The first one was easy, you know, but ultimately, you’ve gone through certain experiences, those experiences have added value.
Question 4
Dianne: So, it’s funny because this is actually tying into my last question for you. So, I’ve read in different forums and mom groups and articles and stuff and we fall into this category.
Onnig: Who is ‘we’?
Dianne: You and I. Okay, what’s your take on the roles? I know we touched on it a little bit, for maintaining the home both inside and outside, when one parent works all day versus a parent who may work less hours.
Onnig: It’s actually a very simple question. So just bear with me, okay. When I was a scout leader, there were different, there’s different age groups, okay. And our scouts, they were a Scout uniform. And part of the requirements is they got to show up to meeting, we have a weekly meeting, and they have to wear the uniform, and has to be proper and whatever.
And I once heard one of my, I think it was one of my nieces. So, she went to meeting and she didn’t have her uniform. And they’re like, oh, the leader got mad at me because I didn’t have this, and I didn’t have that. And I’m like, okay, and I’m a leader of another group at the time. And I’m like, okay, well, you’re supposed to have it right. Well, they never said, what do you mean they never said? Well, they never said like this and that, or whatever.
we have come up with an understanding and verbalize the understanding of the roles we play in our relationship.
Long story short, they never said what the objectives or the expectations were. And then out of the blue, they penalized, in this case, my niece or whomever, based on these expectations that she wasn’t aware of. Okay, so where am I getting? In regard to our dynamic, either directly or indirectly over the time, have come up with an understanding and verbalize the understanding of the roles we play in our relationship.
Dianne: And this was like a one and done.
Onnig: No, no, no, no, we’re not sitting down the second day after we got back from our honeymoon and said, okay, here’s the rules. No, it’s an understanding.
Dianne: Over the years.
Onnig: So, I remember one time I came home, and I said, listen, when I get home, I don’t want to see the dishwasher full. Because usually, in the evening, the last person who put something in the dishwasher is you or me, I’ll put the little pot and I’ll press the button.
Dianne: Right.
Onnig: And as a timer, two in the morning, the dishwasher runs. So, I don’t expect it to be emptied when I leave for work at 6:30 in the morning. But between leaving work 6:30 in the morning, and coming back at 5:30 in the evening, sometime in that 11 hour. You know, I expect that someone empties it.
Dianne: But this is when we had kids or when we didn’t?
Onnig: This is after.
Dianne: Okay.
About our kids contributing to the home
Onnig: This is when after, this is when the kids had the role of, so our kids take turns of emptying the dishwasher. Okay, first it was, one does the top, one does the bottom. Then it was one day each, then it turned to one week each or whatever. And I’ll be honest, I’m not home during the day.
Dianne: You’re gone like seven, then you’re back close to six.
Onnig: That’s right. So, though I give my two cents, I don’t question the systems. So like, between the four of you, you guys decided that one person, we’ll use the dishwasher as an example. One person is going to put away the glassware and one is going to put away the flatware, one is going to put away the stoneware, or you decided that one person will do the top shelf and we’ll do the bottom or you decided that one week it’ll be one kid and one week, it’ll be another kid. I don’t come and try to micromanage and say do this and do that.
But what I will do is say listen, I don’t care what the system is, I need this thing emptied. And yeah, it’ll happen if going back to the isolated incident and systemic topic. If I’m coming home, and every day, we’re in the same scenario of like, hey, guys, why isn’t this done? And it might be as simple as well, when they got home from school, they felt like playing outside, or they had homework, or they had this or they had that.
About time management, responsibilities & open communication
Now, we turn to the dynamic aspect of time management. Look, you have fixed responsibilities. And if you take an hour to do your fixed responsibility, or 50 minutes to do the same amount of fixed responsibility, you have the delta of 45 minutes. So, if you want to dilly dally and take an hour, well, that’s your time. Or if you want to speed-demon through it and take 15 minutes, no problem. No one’s telling you to do one or the other. While we’re telling you is, needs to be done. So, you figure it out.
In regard to the roles that we discussed, I think what’s important is, there was a moment in our relationship that made us understand that irrelevant of what it is, we need to say to each other what we’re thinking. Okay, so, it doesn’t matter if it’s good, if it’s bad, it’s easy or difficult or whatever. But if we have to say what we’re thinking, the other person is not going to figure it out. If they do, bonus. But I’m always under the impression that Dianne doesn’t know what I’m thinking. I’m also under the impression that 95% she probably knows what I’m thinking, but maybe there’s that 5% that she doesn’t, so you know what, for the sake of the 5% I’ll just say it and that seemed during the day.
Sometimes I’ll have a thought during the day. Especially nowadays where I don’t need to disturb her. I can send her a message and I do. I’m like, by the way, this random, you know, it might be oh, I love you. Oh, this bothered me. Oh, I don’t know, whatever. But oh, I was just thinking of you. Why? No reason.
maybe there’s that 5% that she doesn’t, so you know what, for the sake of the 5% I’ll just say it
Dianne: I don’t always ask why though.
Onnig: No, no, no, no. But I mean to myself, sometimes it’s that I’m having a tough day at work, and I need my anchor. You know, if anything, it’s for a selfish reason. It’s for me to distract myself from what’s happening around me. You know, so I’m able to just say, oh, change in scenario. And I, and it doesn’t mean I’m gonna get a response. You know, usually because of, again, we have you probably, you guys know, if you listen to the podcast, we have a joint schedule. She puts on her stuff that has nothing to do with me. So, I know at 12, 15 when she’s in the lunch program at the school, I’m probably not gonna get a response.
Dianne: Yeah.
About ‘winning’ arguments with your wife
Onnig: Because she’s working, she’s busy. If I’m with a client, I’ll put, oh, I have a scheduled meeting. If she sends a message and she sees, well, I’m in a scheduled meeting. And it’s not a matter of, well you know what, let her figure it out, she can wait. It’s not that. Jordan Peterson once said something, he was talking about arguments with your wife or with your spouse or whomever and how people always try to win arguments. And then he said, well, good job, congratulations. Because if you have an argument with your spouse and you win that argument, guess what happened? Your spouse lost the argument.
And you know what that makes your spouse? A loser. And you know what that makes you? Married to a loser. And I’m like, I don’t wanna be married to a loser. You know? And again, I’m not giving it due justice of what Jordan Peterson was explaining, but that always stuck with me in the sense that, if you turn into a binary argument to try to one up the person. Sure. What did you win? You won, you get to go home to yourself and say congratulations. You beat your wife in an argument. All that does, it makes you married to a loser and you don’t want that. And the same with the children.
Free training: "How to find time in a busy schedule"
About talking to the kids about facing difficulties and growth
So, I drive them to Armenian school every Saturday. So, it’s about a 20-minute drive. And we were talking about doing difficult things and I said, difficult things are difficult to do. That’s where they’re difficult but you guys can figure it out. You know, over time you get better at stuff, you just keep doing it. You get better at stuff. And that’s an actual system that works. Ironically, it’s true. The more you practice something the better you get at it.
Dianne: Yeah.
Onnig: You know, and I was telling them that, you know, the first time you do something, and I was using a jiu-jitsu analogy, but the first time you do this technique, or the first time you do this move, you sucked. You know, that’s, and guys, I’m making hand gestures, you can’t see me. Okay. So, you see a pause, it’s because I’m making this hand gesture and I’m like rolling my eyes.
So, I told them, you know, and I use the Jiujitsu analogy because we all train jiujitsu, the three of them and myself and occasionally my wife. But they’ve experienced that difficulty. And now we’re going on to, I guess year three or we’re getting to the fourth year where I remember seeing them do as simple things. Well, I see them do the fundamental things with difficulty. And now those fundamental things have become second nature to them. And I also help teach the kids classes.
So, we see new students come and they, everybody goes through the same struggle. And it might take one kid one month, it might take one kid one week, it might take some kids a natural phenom and gets it from the first day and other people struggle with it for six months, no problem. But if they’re persistent, they’ll figure it out. You know, so that’s an all-ongoing message. And we tell them, going back to question for, so I was gonna say, but I forgot, when I said that we’re at five, now we have the kids that help us with the tasks. I don’t expect the kid to do something to my level. I expect it to be a reasonable level for their capability. And that’s not participation award. We push them, we have expectations, we have high expectations.
Dianne: There’s guidelines.
Onnig: Yeah. There’s guidelines and structure. Things need to be proper now. But you know, my, I guess he’s eight now, or he’s nine now.
Dianne: The youngest one.
difficult things are difficult to do
-Onnig
Onnig: The youngest one. But when he was seven, he had to empty the dishwasher. And if someone tells me, well he’s too small to figure out where the big spoons go and the small spoons go in this drawer. I’m like, guys, gimme a break. You know, like and we used to tell them, if you don’t know where something is, you know, put it here. We have an area and then ask. But you have to ask. You can do that much, you know, and then we teach about awareness. You guys take stuff out. If you can take it out, that means you know where it came from. So be aware, I don’t know where this goes. I go, well, where did you get it from? I got it from here. Well, guess what? That’s where it goes.
Dianne: That’s where it goes back.
Onnig: You know? Yeah. And we try to keep things and we try, we do, things have their spot for a reason. In the kitchen, we have three pairs of scissors. Okay. Because there’s three areas where there’s drawers. So, we were like, hey, you were always looking for a pair of scissors. We’re like, fine, we’ll put one in this drawer, that one in that drawer, one in that drawer. Does it happen that you open a drawer and there’s no scissor there? Sure. Because someone, Kehlani is doing a craft and took the scissor. No problem.
But sometimes you open the drawer and there’s two pairs in there. And I’m like, guys, how does this make any sense?
About constantly repeating
But if we don’t say it, they won’t know. But at the same time, we don’t give them crap. Okay. Maybe I do, but we wanna make sure that we, we try to make it understand, look, there’s a reason for it. And the reason is this, again, going back to the added value. So, we speak to them as if we were speaking to each other. We don’t take the easy route and say, well, they’re little kid, they don’t know. Well, okay then tell them and then they’ll know. And sure, sometimes we have to tell them 106 times. But that’s our responsibility. It’s hard. I just finished telling them, hard things are hard. Same with us.
Dianne: Right. You know, so this goes back to communicating basically.
Onnig: That’s it.
Dianne: That’s the base.
Onnig: Sure.
Dianne: Of our relationship to make it.
Onnig: Yeah.
Dianne: To make it work.
Onnig: Yes. Because the common aspect is always that I didn’t know why, it wasn’t communicated. I didn’t understand why it wasn’t communicated or on the flip side, something happens. I didn’t like it when you did that. All you have to do is tell me, so that I know, I can’t read your mind. You should have known. Well, no, I shouldn’t have known because if I should have known I wouldn’t have done it, or it wouldn’t have turned out that way. Or maybe I did know, but I still screwed up. It happens. And I, and again, there seems to be a negative connotation to the way I’m saying it, but it’s just an understanding, you know.
About picking battles and getting the message across to your spouse
And I think that there are people who choose not to pick the fight, but it’s not a fight. This goes back to the winning and losing with your spouse or with your family. It shouldn’t be, I don’t look at it as a fight. I don’t look at it if I’m told, you know, like my wife this morning very nicely said, hey, do you mind if I get a larger container for your dresser? So, on my dresser, there’s all sorts of stuff and you know where your keys go and your, my rings, I my wear rings, where my rings go.
Dianne: You have a lot of knickknacks on top of your dresser right now.
Onnig: My wallet is there or whatever. So, she’s like, do you mind if I get a bigger container for your dresser? And I know what she meant was, this is a mess, clean it up. But she doesn’t because it’s my spot, it’s my area. So, she’s looking to find that happy middle to facilitate me being able to keep stuff there. And at the same time, it being a little more tidy. And my response to her was, I need to, I’ll clean it up. Because I looked at it and I’m like, yeah, it’s just knickknacks that it’s like a drunk drawer, which is not in a drawer.
Dianne: It’s completely exposed. Okay. That we see all the time now.
Onnig: And this is why sometimes a lot of places, people have their own space in their house. In our home, I don’t have an office, my wife doesn’t have an office. We’re sitting in our bedroom and one part of it is her podcast studio. You know, and it’s not everywhere.
Dianne: Yeah.
Stay on track with laundry & tips to getting the kids involved
if I always thought that every action that my spouse did was to undermine me or was to belittle me, I’m in the wrong relationship.
-Onnig
Onnig: The area, the specific, I guess it’s a three foot by one foot area is a mess, but it’s only, it’s three feet by one foot. Now, if that thing mutated into the whole room and then into the hallway and then into the next room, it would be more of an issue. I crochet, so there’s a ball of yarn and then there’s another ball, and then I have a little bag with my stuff in it and this and that. And then one day it was all put into a bigger bag and that bigger bag was exactly in the same spot where all my small pieces were put together.
So, it’s not so much where she took my stuff and put it away as far as how she’s concerned, she left it exactly where it was. It was just consolidated so that it’s easier to move around. So, I don’t look at it as like, you’re trying to change me. You’re not letting me be the person that I am and exposing myself. Well, it’s not because again, if I always thought that every action that my spouse did was to undermine me or was to belittle me, I’m in the wrong relationship.
Dianne: Yeah.
Onnig: You know and in the same way, if, you know, if I’m like, you know what? I would like if this would happen, I’m not, it shouldn’t translate to you’re unhappy and I’m not good enough. And yeah, I failed as a partner. Well, no, because if that ends up being the message, that’s when people stop talking. Cuz you don’t wanna hear it.
Dianne: Yeah.
Onnig: Who wants to hear that? Nobody.
Rapid fire questions
Dianne: Okay. So now my next segment, this is the last thing that we’re gonna do. And you’re gonna try to answer in the least amount of words, try to keep it to one.
Onnig: Yes.
Dianne: For the next five questions, are you ready? Okay.
Question 1
Name a book you’ve read that has helped or you’ve benefited from in regard to, that helped you with fatherhood and or couple hood.
Onnig: Dichotomy of leadership.
Dianne: Oh yeah. Oh, do you know who the author is?
Onnig: Jocko.
Dianne: Of course. I thought you were gonna say this other series for kids, The Way of The Warrior Series. But that the kids like that one. So, what is it? Dichotomy of Leadership.
Onnig: Dichotomy of Leadership. The Jocko Willing and Le Pavlin.
Question 2
Dianne: All right. Number two, what’s one thing you’re doing right now that you’ve never thought you’d be doing 5, 10, 20 years ago?
Onnig: Jiujitsu.
Question 3
Dianne: Next question. What’s one thing you’d encourage parents and their kids to do that will change their life?
Onnig: Jiujitsu.
Dianne: Stop. It’s not always that. Okay. Fine. Juujitsu, do you have like a version two. Is there something else that you’d encourage parents and their kids to do that will change their life.
Onnig: That they’re not already doing.
Dianne: Well, right. Yeah. Like you’d encourage them to do.
Onnig: Jujitsu I’ll stick with that.
Question 4
Dianne: Okay. All right. Question four. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Onnig: For myself?
Dianne: Yes.
Onnig: Nowhere.
Dianne: Okay. And if it was with me.
Onnig: Hawaii, because I know you want to go. That’s why I asked if it was for me or for,
Dianne: You’re so funny. But if you, it’s just for yourself you won’t wanna travel, you wanna stay home. All right.
Question 5
Last question, number five. The kids asked me this the other day, and I’m gonna ask you, what’s your best accomplishment?
Onnig: My best accomplishment?
Dianne: Yeah.
Onnig: I don’t have a best accomplishment.
Dianne: Interesting.
Onnig: You said one word. I can go on a Tangent.
Dianne: I know. Second best accomplishment.
Onnig: I don’t have rank order accomplishments.
Dianne: Or one thing that you did that you’re so proud of or that you’ve had like that’s happened to you and experienced anything that is like wow.
Onnig: No. Okay, there is no one thing. There are many things at different times of my life.
Dianne: Okay.
Explaining question 5 in detail
Onnig: Where at the moment it was Wow but in hindsight it was wow at the moment. So, when you’re asking me now at 40, whatever, if I turn around and said, oh, five and five record playing football and we won the championship, that was a great accomplishment. And it’s taught me resilience.
If I turn around and say reinventing one of the scout groups and giving it a new identity, and now 20 years later it’s still running in the similar matter of that I changed it. That makes me proud. But again, it was a flash. If it was the micro moments where we have aha moments with the kids and it’s like ah, that was a, like a turning point. My brother and I, we bought the family business and it’s doing very well, and we just bought a new piece of equipment. It’s the first one we bought, you know, I’m like, well.
Dianne: That’s pretty big.
Onnig: I’m like, well, yeah, I guess I wrote it down in my little book, but I’m like, to me it’s just like, there was work put in and things happened. So, I never look at it as bets accomplishment, because to me that means that you’re focused, you have this thing that you did once and that’s no longer you or it’s in your past. I’m like, well, no. Every day is something, you know, I don’t know, maybe I’m not explaining it clearly, but I don’t, I never look at it like that. I don’t have a rank ordered accomplishment. I’m proud of things that I’ve done, but whatever. It’s just what you do.
Dianne: Well, thank you so much for answering my questions and for being brave enough to step into the spotlight.
Onnig: This podcast accomplishment, this was my best accomplishment, this interview.
Dianne: For today.
Onnig: For today.
Dianne: Just today. That’s what it was or this morning. So thank you so much for being here, and I guess it’s almost time to pick up the kids and for you to get to your class.
Onnig: Nice. Bye everybody.
Dianne: Thank you.
***
Well, there you have it. I hope you enjoyed the conversation in this episode. Let me know by sending me a DM on Instagram at One Tidy Place or on Facebook at Dianne Jimenez. Also, if you wanna check out the books we mentioned in this episode, you can grab the links in today’s show notes. Alright my friend and thank you for listening and I’ll see you back here again very soon. Bye, bye.
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